Have you ever looked a corrupt god in the eye and asked why he chose to be thrown out of heaven? Wondering why he blamed Redemption for taking the form of an ancient evil beyond mortal imagination? I’ve been dealing with being confronted with unbridled malice for the last 24 hours and her name is Heidi Klum.
Or rather, Heidi Klum disguised as an earthworm.
If you don’t already know, consider yourself lucky. I’d say you should leave this page, but it’s too late: Heidi Klum Worm has already lured you here as an unwitting participant in her ungodly games. And so we continue.
At her 21st annual Halloween party, supermodel and reality TV star Heidi Klum managed to top every terrifying, hyper-realistic costume she’s ever worn in the past. Including a horror show version of Princess Fiona Shreka shockingly lifelike model of the human muscular system, and she herself…old. After a two-year hiatus from the biggest celebrity Halloween event of the year due to COVID, Klum wanted to come back with a bang. She returned with a limp instead.
Klum maneuvered her way into step-and-repeat Monday night locked somewhere in a giant worm costume. But don’t be fooled, fair man. It wasn’t Heidi Klum disguised as a worm. This happened when Heidi Klum’s DNA was mistakenly crossed with that of a live earthworm, as a Cronenberg mishap is the only correct way to explain this abomination’s appearance.
Accompanied by her husband – musician Tom Kaulitz, who was of course dressed as a fisherman and hooked Klum’s worm – Klum wiggled in front of the press line to answer serious questions about her looks. Had I known this was happening, I would have sprinted out my door and onto the A train to ride it all the way to SoHo where the party was being held to see if I could fight my way through to an interview. I am nothing but a humble servant of the worm.
I’m not sure I’ve seen a funnier sight in 2022 than Heidi Klum looking like the understudy to The Monster Tremble, so sweetly tells a reporter, “I want to put a smile on people’s faces!” while her orange eyes dart back and forth. I have yet to uncover video evidence that Klum could blink in this costume, and am beginning to believe that all footage of each blink was erased to strike fear in the hearts of children across the country. The Old Gods didn’t need to blink – they were here long before evolution found it necessary.
But just like Christina Aguilera told us so long ago, it just keeps getting better. Klum, seemingly aiming for lifelike naturalism or perhaps just not being able to move, lay down on the carpet to answer interview questions. George Clooney and Julia Roberts just finished filming an entire movie that’s been labeled a “comedy,” and nothing in it can make me laugh quite like Klum, Everyone eyes and mouth and said, “I wanted to be something random, I wanted to think outside the box.”
Heidi Klum has provided us with proof that transmogrification is no longer just a concept but a scientific possibility. That’s the big stuff. That’s what we pay taxes for, folks! Knowing that money is coming out of my hard-earned paycheck so Heidi Klum can look like those hunger hallucinations people get in movies where they start imagining everyone as bacon? It’s what helps me sleep at night.
I haven’t been this revitalized — downright full of vitality and zest for life — since Wendy Williams performed The Masked Singer she burps into her microphone and sings “Native New Yorker” dressed like a giant pair of lips. Such things do not often come our mere mortals, and we must address them with equal parts awe and fear.
Make no mistake, I’m as devoted to Heidi Klum Worm as I am cautious. Like vampires or Elon Musk, they only have a free pass to wreak havoc if we let them into our homes even once. I’m smart enough to recognize a demon from the eighth circle of hell when I see one. This worm has wound itself back beneath the surface, but will live on in the stories we tell about it. It will become legend until it is summoned again to wreak havoc on all of us – especially those scrolling through Twitter on Halloween eve, gone mad and unable to decipher the catastrophic images on their phones.
How many souls did this worm take? The numbers haven’t surfaced yet. But for better and for worse, this worm changed us forever. Everyone greets Heidi Klum Wurm.
https://www.thedailybeast.com/obsessed/heidi-klums-worm-halloween-costume-is-best-costume-of-2022?source=articles&via=rss Heidi Klum’s Worm Halloween Costume is the best costume of 2022